Elvis,
The paragraph you wrote had important information that proves what you designed to be your thesis. I am a little confused about wheter that is your intro? or maybe an argument based paragraph? try to make that clear. In the case that that would be your intro , i would say to make it a bit more catchy. You start out straight with important information, maybe you should make your first sentence like a hook that brings us in and maintins our attention, i think that will help your big paper seem more than just you listing ideas. Once you have an intro that reels us in you can add these two paragraphs.
Both paragraphs are good but make sure you add more evidence, make it flow. I know you have alot to say in your paper and you will make good points , its just a matter of making them different,once again so the reader can be interested in what you are saying and proving. Maybe go more in depth with your ideas. Such as when you say "Society needs less technology and more active and safe environment where people can interact and work their minds without having to heavily depend upon technology." Talk about how we can make this possible. What things/ activities can be done in which we dont need technology as much, maybe even at all.
Try to make your paper personal (i think i said this before?) but i belive the more personal it is the more people can connect and the more they see that this is something going on NOW affecting US,all of us. Add in some ideas you have, some insight you have gained. Maybe you remeber some thoughts said in class that struck you, just add those in aswell. I know you will be abe to pull off a good big paper, im just giving you some advice that i think will make it just a bit stronger. im looking forward to seeeing your resulting paper. Good luck. :)
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